Dear Family and Friends,

I’m in the home stretch of radiation treatment with just two more weeks to go. I haven’t worn a wig in ten days and it feels great. I wear a scarf at work but soon I’ll ‘retire’ that too. I seem to have forgotten over the last decade that I’ve been a blond how dark my hair really is. I’m really a brunette and now it’s mixed with gray.

Yesterday was the conference for Nurse Practitioners that I mentioned in an earlier blog. This was the first lecture I’ve given since my diagnosis. I tried to attend a dinner the night before but fatigue hit hard late afternoon and I just couldn’t make the trip downtown to the Westin Book Cadillac in Detroit. I had plenty of energy the morning of the lecture and I was fortunate that they scheduled me early to give the talk. Surrounded by fellow nurse practitioners was particularly comforting – most either worked with patients in medical crisis like cancer or were touched by cancer themselves. It felt so ‘normal’ to be teaching again.

Thinking about teaching reminds me that I wanted to share an article in the Wall Street Journal titled, ‘A New View, After Diagnosis’ http://online.wsj.com/article/SB20001424052970203547904574276434196118914.html. The article describes a study involving a new group therapy based on Viktor E. Frankl’s work which is best described in his book: Man’s Search for Meaning. I absolutely agree with this and I’m pleased someone is studying it. I’ve offered groups like this in the past (long before this study) as well as helped patients in individual therapy answer some of the same questions. If you’re interested in learning more about this topic see pages 30 & 31 in our book: Coping with Cancer: A Patient Pocket Book. I may start another group like this in the fall – it’s only eight sessions and just like the article describes, patients seem to find courage to face the adversities inherent in the treatment of cancer.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Veronica

Dear Family and Friends,

A weird thing happened slowly over the past week – most of my eyelashes fell out. I asked David about this because it seems like such a disconnect that my hair is coming back but my eye lashes are disappearing, especially since I’m six weeks post my last chemotherapy treatment. He said and I quote: “That sometimes happens”. So much for trying to look normal again.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Veronica

Dear Family and Friends,

Not much time to ‘talk’ this morning. I’m done with my 30 minutes of exercise. I finally made it back to two miles. It’s really hard some days to get up and actually just ‘Do It’ – put the shorts and top on, lace the sneakers and step on the treadmill. Nothing fun about it and I often have excuses about why I should be doing something else; e.g. paying bills; practicing for my lecture…things like that.

I want to mention how I met someone at the office yesterday who reads my blog. She was about a month ahead of me in getting through the breast cancer treatment – just completing radiation and her hair was a little longer than mine. We hugged and then she said how much my writing helped her as she was going through the treatment. Specifically she said ‘I felt I wasn’t alone.’ I was so touched by that statement. It is true with this cancer that, although millions are diagnosed with cancer every year and many of us have great support from family and friends, it does feel like we’re doing it alone.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Veronica

One more update

Update on my broken wrist:

I forgot to mention in my blog earlier this morning that my cast is off my right arm. I went to Dr. Pochron’s office on Wednesday July 23^rd. The office staff removed the cast and x-rayed my wrist. Dr. Pochron said the bones are healing so I could use a removable splint for two weeks. I have to be careful not to open doors and to limit weight bearing activities like carrying bags, but I’m free from that heavy cast. It feels great! He gave me exercises to do so that I can return to full range-of-motion. I can go without the splint in two weeks. I’m so enjoying getting back to normal and getting the cast off is one more step in that direction.

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s Sunday morning early and I’m sitting here at the kitchen counter with my second cup of coffee enjoying the quiet. It’s been a heck of a week at home and at work. Forget the fact that I’m half way through my radiation treatments and daily treatments had to be completed. Here’s what happened:

Radiation Treatment: So this was considered the start of my fourth week out of six and one-half weeks of radiation treatments. I started the treatments on June 30^th. They treat every week day (except for the day before a holiday, like the 4^th of July). I completed 18 treatments as of Friday July 24^th. I have 15 more treatments. The last eight treatments are given directly to the tumor site and not to the entire breast and they are referred to as a ‘boost’. This week after one of my treatments, I had an appointment for the team to measure me for the ‘boost’ treatments. It took about 30 minutes and my arm fell asleep as I was in the ‘cradle’ with my arms over my head for most of the time. They sometimes put another tattoo on the skin indicating the tumor bed site; however, they did have an optional semi-permanent ink. I opted for the ink. I don’t want any more reminders of this cancer. It may mean they have to add more ink during the remainder of my treatment should the ink start to fade. Also, I’m to be careful not to wash it off. My breast looks burned in a funny fashion where it looks like a rectangle burn (not something one would get from wearing a swim suit on the beach). I can’t say my breast hurts but I can’t lay on it anymore without feeling uncomfortable. I don’t look at it much because it makes me feel sad. Dianne continues to drive me to treatment every morning. We leave my house at 7:00am, drive to the hospital, get treatment and usually return by 8:00am. I’m thankful for the company in the morning.

Hair: Yes, as I mentioned in my last blog my hair is returning. I wore a scarf to work for the first time on Monday July 21^st. I know that doesn’t sound like any big deal. As I write it – I’m saying to myself, ‘hey, what’s the difference between a wig and a scarf?’ HUGE DIFFERENCE. When I wear my wig, I think I look somewhat ‘normal’, but when I wear the scarf, others can see I don’t have hair. I look like a cancer patient. I walked over to the hospital on Friday and ran into people that don’t see me everyday like they do at Cancer Care Associates. People looked at me different. I don’t think it was in my imagination. I went without my usual baseball cap to radiation treatment much of the week but I don’t really run into anyone I know at 7:00 am at the hospital radiation suite, so I felt 'safe’. The first day Dianne saw me without a wig or hat she commented – ‘what did you do, put fertilizer on your head, you have so much hair coming in?!’ I repeated that statement at least ten times this week and each time I smiled at the image.

Weight: I’ve been watching what I eat and using the web site calorie counter I mentioned last week. I’m down a couple of pounds and really feel like it is helping with the sense of control. I had all sorts of fears like my metabolism was all crazy from the lack of estrogen, chemotherapy, radiation, stress...on and on. I don’t feel that way now. I feel like I can eat normal, healthy foods, exercise and get my weight back down to what it was before my diagnosis. It’s going to take a while but I feel better about it. Less anxious. I can do this too – I can get back to my pre-cancer weight.

Work: I love my work at Cancer Care Associates (CCA). I’m seeing patients again, helping with administration, starting new programs (like the Survivorship program) and feeling valued. We had a nursing department meeting this week. It’s harder on the nursing staff now than last year. Reimbursements are down for chemotherapy. Medicare and the Blues are paying less, so offices like ours can’t afford the same number of nurses, yet we need to provide the same level of expert care. CCA doesn’t have ‘newbie’ oncology nurses (nurses without oncology experience). We have nurses that have years of experience. They know how to start IV’s, run chemotherapies, prevent or treat side effects, teach, support and provide care at a level higher than any other oncology office. I know it because I work with them but more importantly because they took care of me. You need an experienced oncology nurse concentrating on you when you’re in the infusion chair and when you call from home with concerns. We have that now; I just hope we can sustain it with this current health care crisis.

All the kids are fine. Marc and Dima are heading out to the University of Iowa to start their new life. You can catch a glimpse of Marc performing at Smith Walbridge Drum Major Camp on:

YouTube ---> Marc Decker ---> Mace Demo 2009 - Marc Decker

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Veronica

Dear Family and Friends,

Last night was the first time I have left the house without my wig, scarf or a baseball cap. We went to dinner at Benihana’s with all the kids and some friends (there were nine of us) and I decided to go “commando.” I was very self-conscious but observed that there were far fewer eyes on my head than when I tried this on the cruise in Alaska (where I was comfortable enough to attempt this being quite sure I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew).

Here’s the thing about hair and the time-line for re-growth ~I really can’t find much written on this. One of the nurses at the office said she was a hair dresser in her former career and stated that my hair would likely grow about a ½ inch per month. That’s sounds good to me so I’m going with that thought. However, when did the clock begin? When did that “month” start? Was it the last day of chemotherapy (which was May 29^th for me) or two weeks later? Or is it six weeks after that last treatment?

Here’s my cancer timeline which includes hair loss:

February 8^th, 2009: Dr. Benitez calls to say I have cancer

February 18^th, 2009: Lumpectomy and sentinel node dissection

March 17^th, 2009: Oncologist recommends chemotherapy

March 27^th, 2009: Chemotherapy # 1

April 13^th, 2009: Hair cut and started to wear wig

April 17^th, 2009: Chemotherapy #2

April 27^th, 2009: Hospitalized x 3 days

May 8^th, 2009: Chemotherapy #3

May 29^th, 2009: Chemotherapy #4

June 30^th, 2009: Radiation starts (every weekday for 33 treatments)

July 16^th, 2009: First outing without baseball cap, scarf or wig.

So, what does my hair look like today? Well, it is very dark with a dose of gray. I really forgot I was a brunette as I’ve been “blond” for about a decade now. I once read in Ladies’ Home Journal (I mean this literally) that as we grow older we should lighten our hair because it makes us look younger. I don’t mean to imply that Ladies’ Home Journal is something I would consider a peer reviewed, scientific journal but for some reason I read and believed it and acted upon it. Now, here I am with new hair growth and it doesn’t look anything like the hair I’ve been sporting for the last ten years.

Hair salon today:

I’m going to see Linda at 9 a.m. for a “color” and a “trim”. I hope she doesn’t laugh when she sees me although I’m sure I’m not the first post-chemotherapy patient she has ever seen in her career and sadly I won’t be the last. I find myself pondering the following; if I color the gray hair popping up amongst the darker colored hair, perhaps it will look like there is more hair than there really is?

It’s a theory – because I really don’t know if it will work. Here are my concerns about this color thing.

1) My hair is new and fragile. I’m concerned that the chemicals will be too strong and cause the new growth to fall out (people have actually warned me that this can occur)

2) I worry that the dark color will get on my scalp between the sparse hair and I will be left with a stained scalp – which would look awful before it dissipated.

I’ll let you know how this all turns out.

My thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

Love,

Veronica

Coming August 1st, MICNP lecture

Dear Family and Friends,

I’m going through some slides that I am using for a lecture I will be giving to a group of Nurse Practitioners soon. I’m excited to feel “normal” enough to create an hour long program. The lecture, sponsored by the Michigan Council of Nurse Practitioners, will be held on August 1^st at the Westin Book Cadillac in Detroit. The conference is entitled: Mental Health Issues for Nurse Practitioners and my session will cover: Mental Health Care for Patients and Families in Medical Crisis.

It’s all about the radiation:

All is going well this week. This is probably the best week in terms of my overall health and comfort level in a long time. I’ve completed about 10 days of radiation so far. It is a hassle to run to radiation every weekday morning before heading out to work. As I mentioned previously, the procedure itself doesn’t hurt and I focus on how it will destroy any remaining abnormal cells that might be present. I’m all for that!

My friend, Dianne, has been driving me to treatment every day. It really is nice to have that kind of support. I always think I should do everything myself because, after all, why place a burden on another? That being said, someone to pick me up every morning, sit with me as I wait my turn and then drive me home afterwards is a real gift. I’ve noticed that I’m smiling more at the treatment center.

The radiation is definitely beginning to affect the treated breast. I can feel that it is fuller and sensitive. There is no “pain” and I haven’t noticed any burning signs, irritation with my clothing and so far no tissue sloughing! That’s all a huge relief.

While waiting for treatment recently I met a young woman. I don’t think she was a breast cancer patient because she didn’t wear a patient gown. She had the warmest smile and looked really cute in a scarf. I haven’t seen her in a few days and I miss seeing her in the mornings. There is comfort in connecting with the same people every day while in treatment. We (patients) treat each other like we’re the same and we’re in it together.

I had a blood count late last week (week 2). I’m so happy to say that for the first time in months – I’m “normal”. How nice to see all the numbers within the normal range and not identified in bright yellow as abnormal.

Weight Program:

As I mentioned last week, I started documenting my exercise and food consumption daily on a web site (http://www.everydayhealth.com). I was really hopeful that I would begin to lose the extra weight I have put on during treatment by documenting the food throughout the day. I don’t know –was I delusional? I’ve lost maybe a pound in 10 days and I’m quite sure that with the consumption of one quick bag of chips that loss would be history. I’m thinking that I need more exercise and of course that would mean more time to devote to it. That isn’t happening yet but I’ll keep you posted.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,

Veronica