Dear Family and Friends,

Busy week as I keep expecting (hoping) to somehow accomplish as much as I did prior to my diagnosis and treatment. Although it has been three months since I completed chemotherapy and two weeks since radiation ended, I still do not feel 100%. I tire quickly, by mid-afternoon I have little stamina to multi-task and evenings find me once again napping on my favorite chair in front of the family room television. What I’m doing in an attempt to increase my energy level these days includes planning ahead so I am certain to have nutritious food and snacks throughout the day, taking vitamins, exercising 30 minutes most mornings and continuing to discover my purpose. As the authors of “Repacking Your Bags: Lighten Your Load for the Rest of your Life” demonstrate, “Often it takes a crisis for people to discover (or rediscover) their purpose.” I think it’s safe to say that we’ve been through a crisis in 2009 – one that we’ve emerged from a little bruised but not beaten by a long shot. Bruises heal and living a life of purpose has become very important to me as I go through these days. I’ve written about that in the previous two posts that you can read here and here.

David and I met with one of my oncologists this week for a follow-up visit. He commented on the fact that many women experience depression after chemotherapy and radiation. I am well aware that the post-chemotherapy and radiation period can be a whole new adjustment phase as the patient moves toward “survivorship.” Looking back, however, it all seems to have happened so quickly (granted when you’re in throes of it all, time crawls)! The oncologist asked how I was doing and I replied, “I’m still sick.” What I really wanted to say is, “You don’t understand. This isn’t me. Certainly not the “me” I remember pre-cancer!” Prior to the cancer diagnosis I had lots of energy. I slept less than any of our children. I was up every morning very early and done jogging by 6am only to work 10-12 hours days followed by evening activities. I’m asking myself now, “Is this ‘depression’ sapping my energy on a daily basis or is what I’m experiencing just ‘normal’ post-treatment fatigue?’

Certainly if depression is indeed the culprit here, there are most assuredly many things that could contribute to a depressed state (not the least of which is the diagnosis and subsequent treatment). I am depressed about several things including the threat to our health care options. Let’s look at this realistically. I’m 57 years old. Would the new proposed health care system value me at this age enough to allow $20,000 in chemotherapy treatments, an additional $15,000 for an unexpected three-day hospitalization and yet another $65,000 for 33 days of radiation (this is a guess because I haven’t received a hint of a bill for the radiation yet)? Had I been diagnosed with this cancer a few years down the road under a new health program would the powers that be tell me that I had to have a mastectomy with no option for a lumpectomy with radiation? Yeah – I’m depressed about what’s threatening to control my health care options and that of all women who follow behind me after receiving a diagnosis as I did. Statistics show one in eight will experience a diagnosis of breast cancer. Will they have the same options that I had – the option to make a choice – or will their options be mandated for them? I recently read some commentary on “ObamaCare” and the solution was, “Don’t get sick.”

How about work – am I depressed about that? I’m a nurse practitioner and administrator at a demanding oncology office caring for cancer patients and finding it difficult to contemplate keeping our doors open should the existing health care system continue to cut our reimbursements. I am well aware that there have been some “bad” oncologists out there – I know them, you know them. All they’re interested in is the return on their own personal investment and not on providing quality care for cancer victims. They’ve been scamming the system for years and I am all for the government stepping in and putting a stop to their unethical behavior but please don’t punish the rest of us for the few scammers. On the other hand, does the governor of Michigan fully understand that the latest tax initiatives she’s implementing means that cancer offices like ours would be paying Michigan tax on our chemotherapy medications (the life line for cancer patients… like me…like her if she’s unfortunate enough to be among the one in eight statistic)? That little tax initiative alone can and more than likely will close most oncology offices. So, yeah at times I’m depressed about work.

Home – no, I’m not depressed at all with my life at home. Our kids are healthy, caring and productive young adults who still seem to enjoy being with us. My husband never ceases to amaze me as he maintains his positive attitude regardless of the never ending struggles to provide optimum health care in Michigan.

Despite all this, I’m still considering the real reason behind my continued fatigue. I’ve come to the conclusion that it must take the body weeks and even months to heal. This phase I’m going through now is my body healing – healing from the cancer, the chemicals and the constant assault from external forces on internal problems. I’ve concluded that I must stop pushing myself to get through it and assume I’ll know when it’s over. As they say, “This too shall pass.”

Anyway, it’s now morning – a time when I have the greatest amount of energy so I’m paying bills, doing the laundry and reading about Aromatase Inhibitors (I just started mine a week ago).

Prayers and thoughts are with you.

Love,

Veronica