Day 5 post chemo #3

Dear Family and Friends,

I worked yesterday but I didn't feel better until about noon. I don't know if there was a trick to it or if just enough time passed for the chemotherapy to be moving through my body. I still returned home to my favorite lounge chair positioned perfectly six feet in front of the flat screen, side-by-side table to hold lap top, food, books and the telephones (cell and land line). I can honestly say I feel quite up to date on the DVD's that are out. Most are bad but I've watched them. Doubt, Australia and The Bolt - I would never have taken the time to watch if I wasn't so sick and tired that all I can do is 'click, click, click.'

I want to talk about 'sick' - what is it. Sick from the chemotherapy isn't like when I was sick with the high blood count, threw up and ended up hospitalized. 'Sick' the first post chemotherapy days is different. Mainly it's nausea with a sore stomach, head actually hurts - especially if I wear the wig but even if I don't, and overall fatigue - like a truck ran me over but for some reason I can still walk. I walk slow like an old lady. Nausea? Certain foods make me feel like throwing up, like coffee and eggs, yet here I've had a cup of coffee every day since chemotherapy. It doesn't taste good but I keep thinking the caffeine will help get me going. I couldn't look an egg in the eye until this morning (day 5) but today eggs tasted okay - not good but okay and I was afraid to have one more piece of constipating bread. Food is energy and if I don't get something in me then what energy will I have?

I want to talk about mind over matter. It's me - Veronica Decker. I've lived my life with my brain. I analyze and process conversations, behaviors, review the past - very, very analytical. It's in my comfort zone - it isn't work. Over the years, I've rarely been sick and if I do get something like a cold or flu - I just push through. Many of you do the same - I know you. I can't push through this. I can't not feel sick. I do all the tricks I've known to be effective: e.g. like reward myself for getting dressed and going to work; making something special for breakfast; resting; not resting; walking; not walking; writing; not writing; on and on.... I'm sick. I just can't get over it. The audacity of this stupid chemotherapy to make me so sick that I can't process my thoughts, I can't exercise, I can't enjoy the sun shining, I have trouble concentrating - and why? It isn't the cancer making me sick. It's the treatment. Yet, I never doubted that once I saw the OctypeDX score that I would take chemotherapy. Thinking about taking it and taking chemotherapy are way different.

Love,
Veronica