Thoughts

Family and Friends,

It’s early morning and I’m writing this note to you as I listen to Michael Bolton on my iPod singing, ‘When I’m Back on My Feet Again.” This song seems to be my theme song since I started chemotherapy.

Throughout my entries, I have documented my side effects from the chemotherapy treatments. My reason for doing so includes the obvious ~ keeping you informed as so many have expressed an interest in understanding what I’m going through. In addition to information however, I want to share the story as I journey through the seeming chasm that is cancer care – providing you with an opportunity to “see” what the experience is really like for a patient/family member. I hope it is helpful to you.

One week ago yesterday, I had my third chemotherapy treatment. Once again, the first week following the treatment was bad. I can honestly say this was the worst of the three treatments so far. I was sick all week. Today was the first day I didn’t wake up with a headache. Nausea has plagued me most every morning and fatigue hits hard come early afternoon. I am still unable to fall asleep easily and I waken frequently at night.

As mentioned in an earlier entry, the doctors switched me from Neulasta (an agent used to keep my white blood cells at the level they need to be to avoid serious infections and delay of treatments and/or dose reductions) to Neupogen. Neulasta and Neupogen are given as injections (subq – which is thankfully a small needle) and they don’t hurt too much. I confess…I’m a wimp – and I’m to the point that I really don’t feel I can take anything anymore. No more ‘strong Veronica’ – they come at me for a blood draw and I cringe. I have black and blue marks up and down my right arm like I’m on street drugs! Last time on Neulasta I had an unpleasant three day hospital stay, so I’m very hopeful that the Neupogen just does its job and doesn’t go nuts with my little white cells. They checked my counts once earlier in the week and Dr. Stender asked for another check on Friday. The care I get from my doctors and Cyndi (PA) is incredible. I certainly know what cancer patients mean when they say they ‘feel the care’.

Let’s talk tears. I can hardly talk about the cancer or the treatment or anything to do with this experience without tears whether I’m talking about myself, with the patient in the next chemo chair or someone I read about in the newspaper. I ask myself, “Why?” I’ve never been a particularly weepy person. Sure, I cried when the kids were born and other special events that have occurred throughout my life but never like this.

I was with the nurses at the office on Thursday and we were discussing the “chemo bags” we now give out at the office for our patients on their first chemotherapy. I shared with you earlier that Sandy, my best friend from East Lansing, gave me a bag full of special things to take with me to help me get through the treatment including a blanket, fluffy socks, magazines, a journal, etc. As a patient, I appreciated this gesture so much and worked with Cancer Care Associates to duplicate these bags for our own patients. The nurses were commenting on how grateful the patients who received the bags were and I instantly hit tears. I simply couldn’t talk. All my emotions are just slightly under the surface and it doesn’t take much for them to spill over. Is it depression? Is it an adjustment disorder due to the cancer diagnosis and treatment? Is it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I try to diagnosis myself thinking if I could pin point the diagnosis I could get control of it. NOT.

I managed to work all week but it isn’t the old me. Not when I hear and see the pain around me and have to take the time to cry about it before I can move forward and complete my own thoughts. I’m not sure it’s a bad thing; it’s just not in my nature.

Enough for today. I get to feeling too self-absorbed.

Anne arrived home last night. She’ll be home until the soccer team at Western Illinois starts their fall season in early August. Having the kids at home forces me to focus on my mothering and less on myself.

Keep the thoughts and prayers coming our way as I will do the same for you and yours.

Love,

Veronica